Of all the holidays we celebrate within a year, Christmas has always been one of my most favorites. Each time a new year begins, I make a vow to celebrate each holiday as much as Christmas. The only one that I succeed with is Fourth of July. As the years have passed and we continue on as just the two of us, it becomes harder to celebrate any holiday. We often think of all that we miss out on. Like creating outrageous costumes at Halloween, devising the most intricate Easter egg hunt, or even giving blow out birthday parties. We also find ourselves dreaming up ways we'd pass on skills such as life skills learned while camping/hunting/fishing or the simple pleasures of sitting around a kitchen table and playing killer games of Scrabble. Christmas last year was totally bypassed as we had started a living room remodel, found we needed a whole new wiring update to the house, and plunged into a full kitchen renov as well. This time last year we were living out of a microwave, chain-drinking Dr. Peppers, and cranking the Sirius Octane tunes while hacking out cabinets, ripping up 5 layers of floor, and discovering a 4 x4 concrete patch in the living room. I missed the holiday terribly. In the beginning I had gotten out my nutcracker collection, put a poinsettia on top of the fridge (the safest place during the whole destruction), and made the annual Christmas goodies. I even tried to celebrate by decking out each Christmas present with ribbons and homemade tags. My usual Christmas card I send out was simple as I didn't have much time or any energy.
As Christmas has come again this year, I find myself wishing we were in the middle of another large project. Again, in the beginning, I was overly excited! I spent all day Super Friday getting out all my ornaments, cleaning them of any dust, and reminiscing about each one as I carefully set them in their place of honor. Once Bryan came home, I made him immediately hop back in the truck and head back to work to get our Christmas tree. We came home and I had him move our furniture and put the tree in our window corner. I then totally expected for him to jump in and become as enchanted as I was, and help decorate the tree. Unfortunately this was not the case (having to be at work at 3 am, and then not home until past 4 pm, and having a wife drag you back to where you just were to go shopping can cause disinterest). So I set to work creating the perfect tree. I carefully wrapped the lights throughout the tree and then draped the tinsel as inconsistent as possible to create a natural look. Then each tree ornament was pulled out and given 2-3 minutes time scrutiny for where it best belonged. As I went through each step, I slowly become sad. Realizing in a "normal" family this would be shared by all, not just me. Each night in December since has been spent thinking of what we're missing. I'll never drag a family around in a Suburban singing silly carols at the top of our lungs while checking out which neighborhood has the best Christmas light display. I won't get the secret joy of knowing that Santa made a wish come true, or see the wide smiles, lit up eyes, or screaming throes of a satisfied Christmas wish list. I won't know the 4 am shopping at Shopko for the perfect toy; which by the way, I don't think I'll miss too badly. But most of all, I won't feel the bonding love that gives life meaning.
Now, before I get too far into my pity party, realize that while I'm heartbroken that my dreams did not come true in this life, I haven't lost sight of enjoying the present that has been given to me. A life. And I'm making the most of it. Bryan and I are soul mates; we have never been stronger in our relationship and know that together we make our lives full. Children would only add; not complete. I've been able to enjoy my most favorite activities at any time I wish. Traveling to the extent we have would not be possible with small children. My career would have never occurred, and Jax and Nivia may not have been part of our lives. My house is always spotless, just the way I like it. And Bryan can get out his tools whenever he wants and tinker about on his cars. Our music can be played at full volume at 11 pm without waking little minds. I now look forward to Halloween, as it is our special date night (no kids at restaurants, hardly any patrons, and Bryan sometimes gets lucky and we watch a "somewhat" scary movie).
So to all those out there who DO have children: stop being jealous of those who do not have this blessing. Every day tell yourself that those precious souls are worth every second. I would trade my life in a heartbeat. I would gladly give away my freedom, my career, and traveling to experience a child's life in our family. Just because this particular dream has not come true, does not mean I've selfishly bypassed it or need advice on how to make a baby. All we need is friendship, true friendship. A shoulder to cry on when the bottom of the bottle is found, a reassuring smile to know that this doesn't matter to you, and a thoughtful and OPEN mind. I don't ask for much, just an understanding that all is ok and to be there if ever needed. This is why family is always important at the holidays.
