Happily Ever After...?

While cleaning my house, I thought of something I never had before. In every fairy tale that I could think of the princess wins her prince and they live happily ever after. The end. Whatever happened to life afterwards? Cinderella's story ends with the shoe fitting, Sleeping Beauty awakens from her evil spell, and Snow White escapes her wicked stepmother.
The past few months have been...difficult. And I don't know why it would be hard now instead of eight years ago. Shouldn't time ease the pain? Somehow the aging process makes you realize the important parts of life and you begin to reflect on what you've been dealt. I've been dealt a broken dream.
Back in high school I made the silly comment that I would not hold it against God if I never had children. I don't know what possessed me to pronounce this aloud, but it was an off-the-cuff remark. I don't blame God for the 'failure', nor anyone else. The funny part of that comment is 'never had children'. How would I know at 17 that twelve years later it would be true?
Turning 29 has not been easy. I'm not worried about becoming old; it's just the biological clock has been ticking for too long and the noise it makes is hard to ignore. It's difficult to know what is the right answer. I wonder how my great aunt and uncle felt. They never had children and this was during the '40s and '50s. How did they deal with the uncomfortable silences? Or the pesky questions? I have a hard time with this. What do you say? Each time it opens the wound and salt is lathered all over. At first it was a small smile; you know, the 'wink' type meaning anytime now. Then 2 years passed and I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was told easy peasy, have a laproscopy and wa-lah! Not so. Almost three years later I had another surgery and was told the same miracle result, but nothing. It's been about three years again, and the pains are back. It's definitely not looking in my favor. I don't want any more surgeries, or the daily dose of medication that will supposedly keep my pains in check.
Now the questions probe deeper, and hurt even more. Honestly? It's none of your business. I don't ask why you can't seem to stop producing. And why? Exactly, it's none of my business.
At times, like tonight, I want to whine about it. Why us? But every time I voice my shattered heart, I'm shut down. No one wants to hear me blab on about it. Heads turn and new conversations are started. It's as though I'm 'blessed' and should count my lucky stars. You really think so? How about the surprise hugs and 'I Love Yous'? Or the fun Christmas shopping trips and birthday party plans? Even back to school shopping and homework questions. It's the small things that matter and loneliness is painful compared to a lifetime filled by a child's spirit.
What I hate most about all of this? The stares with whispers behind hands, the rolled eyes when I say I would parent differently, the endless advice and the knowing looks of 'they don't try hard enough'. Who are you to know the answer? Most people can't even answer the simple question of PC or Mac? (Ummmm, Dell?). Believe it or not, your quick fix will not change the status quo. All I would like is space. Don't pester me with when, when, when, when. Let me go at my own pace. And don't ever judge me. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes, you'll never understand the deep longing and heartache of each ticking moment that passes. I don't need pats on my shoulder or understanding looks either. I would just like to have our decisions be ours, not yours. And for that to be okay.