Jen I Am

For many years I've felt lost on who I really am. I've tried to pin down what makes me, me but feel like I fail every time. Until I read Elicia's latest post. So thanks to her, I finally have the courage to put 'me' on the radar.
My name means 'gentle white wave'. I always liked the meaning, but never thought it explained me. I am definitely not gentle. It should read crashing, or tsunami, or monstrous. Being an Air Force brat gives me a special patriotism that only military children will understand. I get the itch to move every 18 months to 2 years. The idea of living in one place for 50 years terrifies me. I crave change. I have a weird habit of using eggs in a diagonal pattern. If the carton is not arranged this way, I'll take the time to fix it. OCD idioiocracy. I also have to work in a clean environment. Whenever I cook, I take the time to clean the entire kitchen, even going so far as to sweep and vacuum sometimes. I am an organize freak. I will take the time to rearrange the dishwasher if someone else has filled it. My favorite color is blue, although I've never really admitted it. I usually pretend purple is. I am an ultimate James Bond fan. And only true 'Bond'. I own all the Sean Connerys, and feel Daniel Craig has done well enough to be owned. But my most favorite James Bond is "On Her Majesty's Secret Service". Which was played by George Lazenby. I also will watch a movie over and over and over like a broken record. I've probably watched "You've Got Mail" 3000 times. I snack constantly. If someone brings goodies to work, you'll find me at the plate more than anyone else. I constantly wiggle, shake my leg or tap my feet. I have a jaw like a vise, constantly clinching. So much so, that it makes my teeth and jaw hurt, and even gives me headaches. I love to play the piano, but rarely play my own. I play the one at my mom's more often (sorry Bryan). I have a fetish with shoes, but am so cheap that I hardly have any pairs and no one would realize. I have a love affair with coats too. Stars are my most favorite and I have a flowerbed in that shape. I love the night sky. I've spent countless hours in cars traveling state to state gazing at the stars. At 8 years old I read two encyclopedias cover-to-cover on the universe. I love to learn; if I could go to school for free I would be there every day. I don't even mind homework or tests. I'm an overachiever. But for some reason, I'm not when it comes to exercising. When I hit 110 my jaw dropped to the floor and my eyes bugged. It didn't help when my sisters told me that I looked heavier and that most of the weight had gone to my butt. I feel the fat is finally starting to set in. It's weird when you are finally a triple digit when all your life you've been a double. I get extremely cranky when I'm hungry. So much, that Bryan will start randomly offering food. I used to be extremely gullible. I have a bad habit of taking off my wedding ring and laying it down in strange places. And forget the 'safe' spot I set it in. Bryan now teases me and steals it so I become panicky. I love my dogs, but am afraid to be known as the 'crazy dog lady'. I used to think those that treated dogs like kids were insane, but now I catch myself doing exactly that. And it hurts when people look at me weird or call me silly. I love to be considered unique. Although copycats are a form of flattery, I can't stand when someone tries to be just like me. I have never found Brad Pitt to be hot. I gave up the opportunity to see "Seven Years in Tibet" to watch "Rocketman" instead. I love horses and wish I knew how to ride properly. I have always wanted to own a horse ranch, but married a man who is allergic to alf-alf-a. Oh well. I can't stand high pitch noises. Bryan does this strange whistle and my ears about explode. He can't even hear himself making this noise, and neither can most people. I don't know why I can. I also can't stand when people pick at their nails. The clicking noise it makes is disgusting. I love to receive neck and shoulder rubs but don't like to give them out as it makes my hands ache and tighten up. I have horrible pains, but feel like a wimp any time I talk about them. It makes me feel vulnerable. I can read a novel of 200 pages in 2 hours. And can tell you what it's about. I recently subscribed to a scrapbook magazine and spend more time disliking all of the layouts then actually getting inspiration. I love old cars and the smell inside them. I adore flowers, especially tulips. I have hundreds of bulbs planted in my front yard. I loved a flower arrangement of daisies and red roses so much, that I created a flowerbed as exactly that. I do not like ground meat. For some reason, I will slide the meat in spaghetti sauce, stroganoff, steak and ale pie, etc to the side while I eat the noodles, mushrooms and potatoes. But the meal wouldn't taste right without it. Every morning I have oatmeal for breakfast with strawberries or raspberries and add about 3 Tablespoons of brown sugar. So much for healthy. I will eat a food so often that eventually I cannot stand it anymore. I love to watch gangster British movies. I find the accents soothing. I love the ocean but can't stand the smell of it. And a landscape without mountains would be hell even though I lived in Oklahoma for three years as a kid. I have night terrors occasionally; so bad I can't move and lay in sweat for hours waiting for the sun to come up. I wish I would outgrow this. I had a large stuffed orange dog (and who knows why I picked orange as I don't really like the color) that would protect me at night. I would wrap him around my back and face away from the wall. For some reason, the wall was scary. I love to doodle and draw. Most of my time in church as a teen was spent getting my required sketch minutes finished. I love stipple; for some bizarre reason I can see the shadows in faces much better this way. I love to paint and draw with colored pencils. And will spend hours coloring. I won a coloring contest in 2nd grade for President's Day. Growing old by myself scares me. I find myself becoming extremely interested in politics, enough that I have grandiose ideas of running for city councils or the US senate. As a kid I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought of everything from a teacher to a spy, an astronaut to a bounty hunter and even a marine biologist. I then decided I should be an actor because then I could do all those things, but am camera shy. My most favorite feature is my hair, not many people have the color red I do. But it makes it difficult to find a variety of clothing colors. I hate glasses. I now wear a contact for one eye, but when Bryan said I should have a pair of glasses for backup, I sat there and sulked with my big fat lip. I love to do homely things like crochet, cross-stitch, scrapbook, bind blankets and so on. I spend hours working on these projects. I am fascinated with history and become engrossed with shows like 'Universe' and 'Cities of the Underworld'. I hate reality TV, but every once in a while find something I'll actually watch. Like Tori & Dean. Who knows why I get infatuated with these people's lives. I prefer lamp light to overhead lights. I like to expand my vocabulary with words like sapid. I'm a sucker for traditions and don't smile enough. I love to travel and have big plans to see the world. I love to spend time with my soul mate and will waste an entire day lounging on the couch doing nothing with him willingly. I like to think I'm dignified, but then do something klutzy. I sometimes will get so angry about a situation that I will have to throw something to let off steam. I talk to myself constantly. I think values are important and those who don't stand by what they pretend to say annoy me. I literally cannot stand when someone speaks over me on the phone; it is one of my biggest pet peeves. But I have the sneaking suspicion I do it too. Oops. And on that bombshell, and blogged Bible, I hope that all these traits will remind me I do exist and that I'm meaningful.